Infertility is not just a medical condition; it’s an emotional journey that can leave individuals feeling isolated and misunderstood. For the one in six couples affected, it can be one of the most challenging experiences of their lives. Even well-meaning loved ones can unintentionally deepen feelings of loneliness by offering the wrong kind of support.
A recent survey of 80 women from Canada and the United States, whose fertility treatments were halted during the COVID-19 pandemic, explored what people facing infertility find helpful versus unhelpful in social interactions. This research highlighted key insights into providing meaningful support during such a challenging time.
One of the most significant findings from the study was that the most appreciated form of support was simply being listened to without interruption. Empathetic listening has been shown to improve well-being in those dealing with health conditions like cancer and chronic pain, and it holds true for infertility as well.
Participants also valued hopeful statements that acknowledged their emotions without dismissing them. They appreciated hearing shared lived experiences and encouragement to engage in activities beyond fertility treatments. Practical support, both emotional (“I’m here for you”) and tangible (help with appointments or finances), was also highly valued.
However, despite good intentions, certain types of comments left participants feeling worse. Toxic positivity, such as saying “Just stay positive” or “Everything happens for a reason,” minimized real pain. Unsolicited advice, like “Just relax and it will happen,” overlooked the complexities of infertility and placed blame on the individual.
Repeated questions about fertility treatments or pregnancy updates were also distressing. Phrases like “Any news yet?” or “Are you pregnant?” created pressure and invaded privacy during an already vulnerable time.
Based on these findings, two models—LIFTED and DOWN—were developed to guide how to support someone experiencing infertility in a compassionate way.
LIFTED stands for:
- Listening without judgment
- Inspiring hope
- Finding common ground
- Tangible support
- Emotional validation
- Distraction encouragement
These are strategies that participants found most helpful in supporting those facing infertility.
DOWN stands for:
- Dismissive positivity
- Overbearing advice
- Withholding validation
- Nosy prying
These represent the actions to avoid when comforting someone with infertility struggles. For instance, offering solutions without being asked or minimizing real emotions were found to be unhelpful.
A key distinction identified in the study was the difference between inspiring hope and engaging in dismissive positivity. Hopeful statements were appreciated, but only when they were paired with emotional validation. For example, saying, “I know this is incredibly difficult, and it’s OK to feel upset. But no matter what, you are not alone,” acknowledges distress while offering encouragement.
On the other hand, statements like “Just be positive!” or “It will happen when you stop stressing” were seen as dismissive and invalidating. The key difference lies in whether the person’s emotions are acknowledged or disregarded.
Distraction, when used appropriately, can be a helpful coping tool. Encouraging activities like exercise, hobbies, or community engagement can provide comfort. However, saying “Just keep busy” or “Think happy thoughts” risks minimizing the experience.
Another key takeaway is that individuals facing infertility often find the most comfort in speaking with others who have gone through similar experiences. Shared lived experiences help reduce feelings of isolation and foster understanding. However, even those without direct experience can provide meaningful support by self-educating through reading, documentaries, or advocacy organizations to better understand the emotional impact of infertility.
Ultimately, the most meaningful support is simple. It’s not about finding the perfect thing to say or having all the right answers. It’s about being present, listening without judgment, and validating their emotions.
By making small, intentional shifts in how we communicate, we can ensure that individuals facing infertility feel supported rather than dismissed, heard rather than pressured, and uplifted rather than brought down.
Related Topics:
