Jemimah Hayes, a 39-year-old from Melbourne, is no stranger to the joy of motherhood, but she finds herself longing for another child—a desire that has been met with the painful reality of secondary infertility.
“Being a mum is everything I wanted. Mum is my favourite title of all,” Jemimah shares. However, her experience with secondary infertility, after the birth of her daughter Billie 13 years ago, has been a challenging and emotional journey.
Understanding Secondary Infertility
Secondary infertility refers to the inability to conceive or carry a pregnancy to term after having previously given birth without the help of fertility treatments. Unlike primary infertility, which affects those trying to conceive for the first time, secondary infertility can be particularly devastating because many people expect the same ease with subsequent pregnancies.
“Secondary infertility is often very unexpected, especially for those who had no issues conceiving their first child,” explains Narelle Dickinson, a fertility counselor based in Brisbane. Jemimah’s own journey took an unexpected turn after she experienced an ectopic pregnancy a few years after Billie was born. Since then, she has struggled to conceive again.
The Pain of Unspoken Grief
Jemimah admits the emotional burden of secondary infertility can be isolating. “It’s heartbreaking when you realize it’s not always that simple,” she says, reflecting on the contrast between her smooth first pregnancy and the years of difficulty that followed. “You feel like you can’t talk about the longing or infertility because people might say, ‘Well, you have one child, how can you be infertile?'”
The grief of unfulfilled dreams and the family Jemimah and her husband once imagined is a constant weight. “It’s hard to process that grief because you feel like you’re not entitled to it,” she says. “There are people who are trying to have their first, and they don’t have any children at all.”
The Struggles of Secondary Infertility: A Silent Pain
Narelle Dickinson explains that the emotional, physical, and financial challenges of infertility affect everyone, regardless of whether they have no children, one child, or multiple. “We all have an idea of our ‘imagined family,’ whether that’s one, two, or more children. When that vision is not achievable, it can be just as painful as struggling to have any children at all.”
Yet, those dealing with secondary infertility often feel the sting of “invisibility.” While society tends to offer compassion to those struggling to conceive for the first time, couples with children who cannot expand their families often don’t receive the same level of support. “There’s a certain amount of invisibility when you already have one child but can’t seem to grow your family,” Dickinson says.
For Jemimah, this has been an ongoing struggle. “You feel like you have to grieve privately because people often don’t understand how deeply painful it is when your family plan doesn’t unfold the way you imagined,” she adds.
The Complexity of Parenthood and Infertility
Adding to the complexity is the challenge of managing infertility while already raising a child. “It’s incredibly difficult to juggle parenting while also attending medical appointments, trying to keep a routine, and navigating the emotional toll of infertility,” says Dickinson.
How Common Is Secondary Infertility?
Secondary infertility affects many families. Dr. Manuela Toledo, a fertility specialist and board member of the Fertility Society of Australia and New Zealand, estimates that about half of her patients face secondary infertility, with nearly one in five people experiencing infertility in general. Of those, a significant portion—up to 50%—will struggle with secondary infertility.
Dr. Toledo notes that the causes of secondary infertility often mirror those of primary infertility, but they are commonly influenced by factors such as maternal age. “If you’re having your first child in your early 30s, by the time you’re ready for a second, you could be in your late 30s, which brings in the complications of age-related infertility,” she explains. Unexplained infertility is also prevalent, affecting up to 30-40% of patients.
Despite the emotional toll, Dr. Toledo emphasizes that secondary infertility is just as serious as primary infertility. “I see couples who already have children, even as many as three, trying for a fourth—and they are just as devastated as those trying for their first,” she says.
For Jemimah, the road ahead remains uncertain, but the desire to expand her family remains strong. Through it all, she continues to navigate the invisible grief that many experiencing secondary infertility face.
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